My first post is "in the bag... "

Joanie: I wrote this in the early '00s as a recent college graduate trying to break into print... it's a bit sentimental, but always gets a laugh... and it bears the distinction of being the second-most-viewed story on www.pursestories.com... I have two other posts on the site, "The Perfect Man is in the Bag" and "Where Have All the Purses Gone?".

So, without further ado, here is:

Man-Purse Interface

by Joanie Harmon (2004-ish)

When all the psychobabble and checkout stand magazines have failed to decode the mysterious behavior of men, it may be time to turn to a more primitive, yet no less canny method. Your Man from Mars can be easily read by his attitude towards that omnipotent symbol of Womanhood, the handbag.

Ever since his first encounter with his mother's purse as a child, modern man is perplexed and terrified by this quintessential female accoutrement. He doesn't know why it has to match your shoes. He doesn't understand that a woman's purse holds the tools needed to build and rebuild, when necessary, with safety pins and paper clips, civilization as we know it. A man's comfort level with this supreme proof of woman's resourcefulness and femininity is a good indicator of his comfort level in the relationship.

The most common dilemma of Man-Purse Interface (MPI) is the unwillingness of a male to hold onto one's bag when one is engaged in an activity that is not purse-friendly. This includes trips to unclean restrooms, trying clothes on in a fitting room and changing the baby's diapers. No woman would willingly abandon her Coach bag unless there was an awfully good reason. Men who protest and fidget when asked to do this simple favor are uncomfortable with their "female" side. Their concern is not for the well being of your patent leather, but for their reputation as a manly man. However tempting, try to resist the urge to whisper "Sissy" when passing an obviously disgruntled Steward of the Purse.

A unique hazard of MPI is the guy who swoops in and puts his arm around you while walking, regardless of the large tote bag that is wedged between the two of you. He often ignores your attempts to gently move it to your other shoulder. Until he is actually stopped in his tracks and told that this is an uncomfortable way to walk, he won't budge. The red flag here is a fear of intimacy and the need for a buffer zone to function in a relationship. It also displays an oblivion to immediate surroundings that is disconcerting and possibly dangerous. Steer clear of the guy who decides to make the best of it by switching sides and walking backwards. He is either mentally unstable or a long-lost Marx Brother.

Men whose MPI results in making you carry their "extra" stuff in your purse are needy and extremely high-maintenance. The most frivolous item the average man carries is a comb or among models of a certain vintage, a handkerchief. Don't let them fool you into thinking that these basic human necessities are too much of a burden for their square shoulders. They have failed to realize that the average woman worth her salt carries at least these items and the contents of a small medicine cabinet. If they were such solid and dependable men, they wouldn't need a woman to schlep their things for them. At best, they are incurable mama's boys. Worst case scenario: closet crossdressers who couldn't find a bag to match their loafers.

The most valuable litmus test provided by MPI is the ability to witness the greatest fear of all men. Somehow, being asked to fetch something out of the "forbidden" conveyance is akin to asking them to pick up Tampax at the store. Reactions range from complete refusal to simply bringing you the entire bag with the attitude of someone who is handling a dead cat. The childhood training that says "Stay out of Mother's purse" is ridiculously adhered to in the context of an adult relationship. This may mean that he does not want to get to know you on the inside. He is afraid to learn what makes you tick. It may also mean that his mother kept loaded mousetraps and live grenades in her Louis Vuitton satchel.