The message below about Proposition 8 (on the November '08 ballot in California), has been sent out widely by Brenda Star Adams, who lives in San Francisco. Brenda is my goddaughter and namesake, and the daughter of Chris and Fran. I'm very proud of this young woman and I hope that her story touches you as it did me.
-- Brenda Knepper
Important Message from Brenda Star Adams
My name is Brenda and I am the daughter of lesbian parents. I am writing this message in hopes that if there are those of you out there questioning whether or not to vote against Proposition 8, that you listen to my story and understand exactly who proposition 8 would effect.
I am 28 years old. I am an attorney working for a nonprofit organization in the bay area, helping low income tenants avoid homelessness. My husband, Matt, is also an attorney working on mostly civil rights cases. We have been married almost two years and have an adorable but emotionally challenged dog named Abe.
My parents are Fran and Chris. My biological mom is Chris, and Fran is my "second" mom. They met when I was two years old. When I was around 11 years old my parents announced they had to talk to me about something very important. They looked incredibly somber. I got very upset and yelled "Are you getting a divorce??" Which they thought was hilarious because the real news was that they decided to make their commitment official after 10 years of being together with a small ceremony. As a child, it felt like they had been married all along so it made no difference to me. I was just happy they weren't separating! But of course their ceremony was not official, because in 1992 lesbian couples could not be married in the eyes of the law.
On July 30, 2008, however, after the California Supreme Court decided that prohibiting CIVIL marriage between a same-sex couple violates the Equal Protection Clause of our Constitution, my parents WERE officially married at City Hall. The best part about their wedding was not the service, not the flowers, not the limo. The best part was that when I got to their house to accompany them to the ceremony, they were both a nervous wreck! They had not expected to be so nervous and to feel so excited after 26 years. It was as if they had convinced themselves their entire relationship that they didn't really need the state to recognize them as a couple, because they HAD to believe that, and as soon as it was available to them and truly happening, they realized how much it really did mean to them. They realized how long they had been waiting for the moment to commit themselves in law to each other for the rest of their lives.
The ceremony w
as beautiful. Simple, and beautiful, just like my parents. You may be wondering, What is it like to grow up with lesbian parents? I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked that question. My answer is always the same - totally normal, and probably much like a typical heterosexual household. Fran is the disciplinarian - without her I would be a completely spoiled brat. Chris is the pushover. I can pretty much get her to agree to anything (although I try to use restraint!) Like many mothers, Chris taught me the meaning of kindness. To not sweat the small stuff. The immense power of love over hate. Above all else, she taught me to always listen to my intuition and to follow my heart. Fran taught me the meaning of responsibility. The value of my word – that if I promise to do something, I must unquestionably do it. And of course the importance of honesty and integrity. Chris taught me through her wise words and never-ending love – she is one of those mothers like a sage on top of a hill – she always knows exactly the right thing to say just when you need to hear it the most. Fran, on the other hand, taught by example. She is beyond a doubt the most honest person I have ever known, and merely expects out of others what she expects of herself. I have spent my life with her voice in my head, and it has pushed me to constantly try to be the best person I can be. Both of my parents love me completely, and unconditionally, like most parents do. In this respect they are completely normal. But in reality they are not normal – they are exceptional. And I often wonder what I have done to deserve such amazing parents.
I know that it is hard to discern the truth amongst all the propaganda, TV ads, and emails about Proposition 8. But the truth is that the Supreme Court decision does not mean that gay marriage must be taught in schools. It does not mean that churches and synagogues and mosques must conduct gay marriages or else lose their tax exemptions. It doesn't mean any of that – those are just tactics used to scare those of you who are unsure into believing the worst. The truth is, all the court said is that the state cannot discriminate against people like my parents who have chosen each other as life partners. I think we have all at one time or another hoped that one day we might be blessed enough to find someone to share our lives with, raise our children with, grow old together with. Some of us have dreamed since little girls of our wedding day, what dress we would wear, what our vows would say. And some of us have never wanted to get married – and that is the choice that each of us has the privilege to make. But my husband and I are no more deserving of the right to make that choice than my parents. None of us are.
All I ask is that, as you sit down and try to determine how you will vote on November 4th, you consider my family and vote NO on proposition 8. I do not know if I can bear to watch us take a step back when we have come so far forward. And I really don't think I can bear to see my parents robbed of the happiest day of their life together.
Regardless of how you vote, thank you for taking the time to read my message. I truly appreciate it.
